Questions to Ask Yourself When Making Difficult Decisions

Below are a list of questions that I have found helpful when making difficult decisions. The contrast in my mind is between this, what I believe to be, helpful list and that of the unhelpful but more common list of questions that we ask our selves such as: "What will make me the happiest?", "What's the right thing to do?", "What does God want me to do?". Here's my list of helpful questions to ask yourself when making a tough decision:

What choice will I regret more not doing?

Over the years, this question has been the most helpful.  The source of its power is that it accomplishes several things. First, it gets you out the moment and into a hypothetical future scenario where you're looking back at your life from a much more objective position than you are in the present, decision-tense moment.  Secondly, it attunes you to your conscience and in a way that is much more in line with how our brain actually works.  Studies have shown that people regret losses and not doing things far more than they regret mistake decisions or things they've done.  In a clinical setting you can set up scenarios where you give people ten bucks or you can give them forty and then take away twenty.  Which do you think people would be more grateful for?  A small gain or a big gain accompanied by a loss?  People hate loss.  We hate missed opportunities, almost successes, relationships that could have been, jobs that nearly were ours.  

I read an article once written by a hospice worker that stated that when death bed patients look back on  their lives they hardly ever regret things that they've done at the end of their life.  They regret the things left undone.  They regret not loving their family more, not smelling the roses, not taking risks, not going out on a limb, not trying new things, not giving more. So, the next time you're making a tough decision, what choice will you regret more not doing?  A day may come when you're thankful you answered that question.

What choice is more adventuresome?

Life's an adventure.  Your either living an exciting adventure or a boring adventure.  Get off the damn couch.

What makes me feel most alive?

Howard Thurman once said,

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

What will I be most proud of doing?

I'm a firm believer that there is good pride (and certainly bad, too).  Good pride says, "I deserve better than to compromise.  I'm worth more than that."  Good pride isn't about comparing yourself with other people.  It's about comparing yourself with 'sin' and saying that you deserve better.

What fits with the narrative/story I want to write with my life?

This question, as the first did, gets you to take a healthy future reverse perspective, but it also gets you to think from an other's perspective.  If a hypothetical other were to read/watch my life, would it make a good story?  What would they think of my character?  Did I live according to my values?  Did I try and try and try and try?  Did I love well?  Think backwards, think outside of yourself.

What is the most fulfilling?

First off, I love the world 'fulfilling'.  I love its imagery--fill so full that your life is brimming over and spilling its abundance and wealth.  And I love how much better it is at capturing that than other synonyms--it's such a better word than happy (sounds like a painted on smile for a photograph) or joy (a little to saccharin for me).  Fulfillment is about feeling good way, way, way, way deeper than superficial happiness can ever reach.  It's about living according your conscience.  It's about making a difference.  It's about giving and loving well.  Fulfillment sleeps easy at night.

In my mind it's entirely possible to live a fulfilling life and not be happy.  I think of a single parent I know.  She works a ridiculous amount of hours at minimum wage; takes care of two kids and an ailing elderly mother; and pours her heart out for students at a church I used to go to.  I can tell by the way she loves people, talks about her job and the way she worships her God that she finds fulfillment in what she does even though her life is often very painful and difficult.  Life is tough, happiness is distant, but she is living life damn well and it's because she's living for fulfillment.

What will bring the most balance to my life? 

It's all about balance.  Between work, social, romance, pastimes, being tough, being soft, working, resting, breathing in, breathing out.  Answer this question and you'll be living rightly.

To which side do I err?

Instead of thinking in terms of actions (Do I do this, or do that?), think in terms of values (Which is more important?).  Recent examples in my life: Question: Should I go out with friends or study more?  To which direction should I err? Answer: err on the side of relationships. Question: Should I donate to this organization even though my budget is tight?  Which choice is better to err on the side of caution with?  Answer: err on the side of generosity and helping others.Question: Should I reach out to this estranged friend or not? Answer: err on the side of building potential relationships.  Values clarify and this question can help suss them out.

I recently realized that I should do a blog on this when it struck me how often I revisit this list of questions I had put together on a Google doc.  I hope they help you as much as they have helped me.  Best of luck with your next difficult decision.  :)

How to Appreciate Other Religions/Political Parties

This isn't compromising your beliefs.  Keep your beliefs, but learn how to appreciate where others are coming from, too. Even if for no other reason than to understand how to change their mind better!!

  Do you ever feel like you can't bring up the dual conversational unmentionables--politics and religion--without getting frustrated or upset?  Read on then!

• Finding Common Ground
• Values
• Many times beliefs are different ways of expressing the same values.  It's tragic that we don't realize this enough.  Let me give some examples.  
• Healthcare in the US--to definitely and admittedly oversimplify, one group thinks it barbaric to withhold proper medical care to the poor in one of the richest countries in the world.  Why?  Because they care about people.  That's the heart value that drives their beliefs.  The other side doesn't want universal health care because they think it will drastically reduce the quality of the care and further dig America into a debt hole.  Why?  Because they care about people.  Same value.  Different application.  Different way of serving that value.
• How about another extremely heated topic--abortion?  One side says abortion is wrong and their value is that human life (the baby's) is precious.  The other says abortion is morally permissible because life (the mother's) is precious.  Each can say one side is mistaken or deluded, but it helps me to avoid vilification to understand what value is driving the person's belief and often how drastically similar they are to mine--trying to protect a life. 
• Remember to remember why people are passionate about causes--they care!  They really love something!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

• Questions
• You may not have the same answers as someone in a different religion, but many times your heart is still crying out the same questions.  
• What's the purpose of my life?  Help/love others, glorify God, attain enlightenment, jihad, etc.--all different answers to the same question.
• Where did I come from?  God, evolution, God+evolution--different answers, same heart cry.
• How can I live on past death?  Nirvana, Valhalla, Heaven, Moksha, legacy, etc.--same desire for ourselves and our loved ones--that we'll live on in some respect. 

• Debating Safely
• Get Down to the Fundamental Question of the Debate
• E.g., the fundamental question surrounding abortion is, when does a human become a human?
• For universal healthcare it may be something like, what is the role of the government?  What are inalienable human rights?
• Getting down to the fundamental question that is actually being debated has two positive effects:
• Clarity is brought and distraction can be set aside
• It can show how gray the subject really is.  Highlighting ambiguity builds compassion and patience over disagreements.

• Understanding Differences
• Reactionaries
• Show me an extremist, a fundamentalist, a fringe voice and I'll show you a reactionary.  People that have extreme views or ways of expressing themselves aren't usually crazy--they're trying to use a valuable communication tool--contrast.  E.g., the most drastic tree hugging environmentalists aren't off the wall--they're trying to live and speak in such a way that shouts above the distracting hum of life.  If the rest of us actually cared like we should they wouldn't have to go to such extreme measures of living/behaving/communicating.  They aren't crazy.  They're just trying to get heard.  Same with any other example from religion, politics--fundamentalism, conservatism, liberalism, etc.  Don't hear what/how they're saying it so much as you hear their heart and what they're contrasting themselves with.  Furthermore, recognize the importance of reactionaries in society--nothing would change (as it needs to) without prophets, heralds, extremists, fundamentalists.  Find the middle ground between the two polar opposite extremists and you'll often find the truth.

• False  Dichotomy 
• Maybe you're both right
• 'Either' / 'or' thinking  vs. 'both' / 'and':  Sometimes it isn't 'either' this 'or' that.  Sometimes it's 'both' this 'and' that.
• Perhaps the goal isn't about promoting one ideology and eliminating the other, but instead listening to both sides and finding a balance.
• Different Kinds of Truth
• A person, religion or political party can be dead wrong about one category of truth, but on the money in another.  This may sound strange to your ears, but hear me out.  What is truth at its most fundamental level?  An idea that helps you deal with reality, life, yourself, others.  Truth is a mental tool to navigate reality.
• Philosophical Truth
•  E.g., 'a' can not be 'non-a' at the same time and in the same sense.  That is absolutely true, but it is a very different kind of 'true' from the next kind of truth.
• Empirical Truth
• The kind of truth you get from a laboratory, an experiment, a test tube--the sciencey kind.  You're manipulating, removing and isolating variables to test a hypothesis.
• Descriptive Truth
• The kind of truth you get from the field, observations.  Your paying attention in order to learn something about a process, correlation, potential causation, etc--seeing patterns.
• Historical Truth
• Can't test it, can't observe it, but many of us would agree that it exists (at least beyond a reasonable doubt).  We  believe in it so much that we bet people's lives on it. #CapitalPunishment
• Ethical Truth
• "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
• "Don't do unto others as you would not have them do unto you."
• Instead of completely discounting a religion's holy scripture because you disagree with its empirical, descriptive truth maybe it is time that you started to appreciate its ethical truth and the next category below.
• Proverbial/Wisdom Truth
• "It is more blessed to give than to receive."
• "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
• "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
• "Don't remove a fly from a friend's head with an axe."
• "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
• "Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise."
• If you really care about living life well you'll learn to appreciate wisdom from surprising and unexpected places.  You can learn a lot from a heretic.
• Artistic Truth
• Good literature, art, movies, mythology, comedy can often leave us saying something like, "That is sooo true."  (Especially good comedy.)  Art can get us to realize something that was right in front of us, but hadn't seen before.  It can resonate our deepest, inmost being.
• Paradigmatic Truth
• Gives us a framework to think within, a scaffolding to build understanding.  This is true both in science and in religion.  The easiest example I can think of is light.  By analogy we speak of light as being a particle and a wave.  In reality it's neither.  And both...Speaking of light as a wave and a particle may not be true in a literal sense, but incredibly true in a paradigm sense and is enormously beneficial for scientists.  (The same could be said of String Theory, analogies for dimensions greater than three, etc.)  In a similar, analogical, paradigmatic way religion can be similar.  It doesn't have to be true to be a helpful way to think about the universe and that has great and significant value.  More thoughts here.

• Perfectly Understandable Reasons That People Will Never Change Their Minds
• Trust (see more below)
• Loyalty: Is it really reasonable to expect people to turn their backs on their friends and families ideology?  
• Identity:  Is it really reasonable to expect people to give up their ideology and have to complete refigure out who they are?

• Concessions - Why It Isn't So Bad After All
• Good vs Right: Maybe not everyone has to be right.  Maybe being just being good isn't such a bad concession.
• Intermediary Beliefs: Can you imagine going to a remote tribes person and trying to explain the internet to them?  Before you could explain what the internet was you'd have to explain what a computer was, but to do that you'd have to explain what a machine was and then you'd have to explain what electricity was and then you'd have to explain...Historically maybe mythology and a great many false ideas were an essential stepping stones that absolutely had to be used to us where we are today.  Maybe we owe today's stepping stones a great deal of deference for getting us where we are today and for taking us to a better tomorrow.
• Beliefs Have Functions
• To balance out extremes: Polar opposites might be a way that the cybernetic system of society maintains balance.
• For the greater social good: Maybe the ideology that you're frustrated that someone you know believes is the only thing holding back anarchy in their life and in society at large?  Maybe you're completely unaware of all the positive ripple effects it is causing and that if you were aware of them you'd shut the h*ll up and not argue with them so vociferously.  

• Justified False Beliefs
• People for thousands of years people thought the Earth was flat and that the Sun moved across the sky.  They weren't idiots and they weren't suppressing the truth.  They were justified in their belief based on what they knew.  We'd all do well to remember that each one of us is a product of our culture and that in other's shoes we'd believe the same thing as they do.

• Attribution
• Malevolence vs. Benevolence: We have a choice in how to interpret people's beliefs--either negatively like they're stupid or maliciously denying truth or positively like they're trusting individuals or they're trying to protect something precious or they're acting out of a pure intentions/heart, etc.  It is far, far more likely that their beliefs are a reflection of their virtue and not their vice, strength and not weakness--their deep seated convictions and character.  Remember that.
• Internal vs.  External:  Are  they the devil or are they a victim of the devil?? Kind of nature vs. nurture.  Does a person believe something because they are a certain way or because they were raised a certain way?

• In-Group / Out-Group--Evolution's Legacy
• In our evolutionary past it paid to:
• Trust insiders unquestioningly.  If you want to take down a woolly mammoth together you have got to have each other's back without hesitation.  This legacy lives on in the tenacity we hold on to cultural beliefs even far past their expiration date.  Why wouldn't a person trust what ever their parents or an authority figure says?  Why would people lie to them?  Trust is a very good thing and the very reason  human society has come as far as it has.  Remembering that can help us see eye to eye with people we disagree with.  Consider your own beliefs.  How much do your beliefs line up with your chosen group's?  That might not be such a good thing...
• Distrust of others.  Let's face it.  We have a violent past.  There were time periods in our history in which something like a third or a quarter of all adult males died in battle (proof for this can be seen in the numerous bashed in skulls we've found and from comparing with current day tribal communities).  If you didn't distrust outsiders you died.  Therefore, our default state is to distrust anyone that is different--skin color, ideology, religion, political party, etc.  Distrusting and vilifying outsiders got us ahead in the past, but now it only hurts us and the world.  When you find yourself thinking in terms of 'us', 'them' remember where that distrust comes from and then remember to expand your circle.  The most important 'we' today includes everybody.  E.g., get beyond 'Republican' and 'Democrat' to something larger like 'Human'.

• Simian Simpletons
• What is the evolutionary purpose of our brain?  Survive and reproduce.  Not think rationally and critically.  It isn't to understand science, math and logic.  It is much, much more of a relationship machine than it is a computer.  It should be more shocking to us that we ever think logically than that we sometimes have lapses in judgement.  Be patient with your fellow humans.  They're doing the best they can.

• Leaders of Movements and Movements Are Different
• Sarah Palin doesn't represent all Republicans.  Osama Bin Laden doesn't represent all muslims.  Benny Hinn doesn't represent all Christians.  Child molesting priests don't represent the entirety of the Catholic faith.  Stop mixing up movements and leaders.  They're different.  Knock it off.  :)

• You Could Be the Wrong One
• Don't forget it.  
• Ever.  
• Ever.

• Maybe We're Better Off Disagreeing
• Seeing things differently is
• Enriching: ‎"The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas." --Linus Pauling
• Sharpening: Is anything more stimulating and growing than a good debate?

Pictures from here, here, here, here, here, here, here , here , here , here and here.

Science is...Childlike Questions

Heather, my wonderful sister and exemplar scientific thinker, has told me a story of discussing with her her grad school advisor about what good science is. He said that good science is good questions.


Good questions are...

• Focused - neither too broad nor too narrow.

Goldilocks

• Valuable- after having answered the question will our lives be any more enriched? If not, scrap it.

• Answerable - will you actually be able to answer the question?

• Insightful - I view getting a bachelors in biology as studying for years to ask one really good graduate school thesis question. All that study for one question. It takes alot of knowledge to ask good questions.

• Narrow in asking, broad in implication - Heather also spoke of her sage of an advisor stating that a good question is one that may be small, but answers a larger question. For example, a researcher doesn't study planaria reproduction because they want to only know more about planaria. They want to use that knowledge to know something about the whole tree of life, like how species evolve. One doesn't study aphids, one studies a branch in the ecological web as a whole. One doesn't study whale digestion, but how animals convert chemical energy into biological energy. Et cetera.

By implication, science is being curious. It's wanting to know how the world around you works, why it works and what we can do with that knowledge.  


It's wide eyed wonder about the truly ineffably amazing state of the universe around us.  It's mystery.  It's intrigue. It's the excitement of discovery. It's adventure.

Science is being unsettled. Unsettled by not knowing 'why', 'how'. It's not being okay with standard myths, theories, explanations.

Science is being hungry for answers. It's insatiability.

Science is argument. It's caring enough about reality to debate, to confront, to challenge.

Science is holding reality in reverence above all else - popular opinion, dogma, authority, tradition.

That's difficult business, though. Easier said than done. Life is distracting.  

How can we keep ourselves curious? Vested in the nature of reality?  


By staying childlike.

How do children think?

• With New Eyes - Everyone remembers their first kiss. There is something impactful about doing something for the first time. Children experience that all the time. You've heard it many times (so much so that its lost its impact, haha, how ironic) that familiarity breeds contempt. The opposite can be just as true, new eyes breed wonder. How can you get new eyes again? One way is to study widely. I've learned the most about English by studying other languages. I've only realized my Americanness by traveling to China. Read fringe thinkers. Learn about other fields of inquiry. You may be surprised at the insights you'll gain.

• Tabla Rasa - kids don't come with baggage. They have no expectations, no preconceptions. They aren't going to look for something a certain way, they just look.

• Relating It Back to Yourself - I've read Richard Dawkins talk about how personally kids can sometimes answer science questions like, why are flowers pretty? "So I can enjoy them!" the child might respond. While that in and of itself isn't the most model scientific thinking, it does show how that kids naturally have a way of making it about themselves. That can be a good thing. It can be a powerful motivator. If we could empower that same young thinker's mind with knowledge she/he might say something more along the lines of, "Flowers are beautiful to attract insects to carry their pollen to reproduce and I can't help but enjoy how incredibly ingenious, creative, beautiful that mutualistic symbiosis is!!!"  Studying biology for me has been an unbelievable journey of self discovery. Every fossil I read about, every biological mechanism and processy I learn about tells me something about myself by teaching me how I work, where I came from or about the processes that made me. It's personal. And, that is powerfully motivating to keep learning.

• They Get Dirty - Kids love gross. Why don't adults? Kids love mud. Why don't adults? Kids want to explore more than they want to be proper, to experience more than stay presentable, to satiate their curiosity over their desire to be accepted, adventure over safety. Bottom line, get dirty! You just might remember how good the cool embrace of mud can feel again!!

• Kids Take Time to Do Absolutely Nothing - You should, too. Remember having summer off? Think about when you have your best thoughts: while driving, while showering, while running, while meditating, while praying, while quiet, while relaxed, while letting your thoughts wander, meander, explore - unguided, unimposed, borderless, unfettered, natural, freeflow thoughts and inquiries. Figure out a way to maximize your time doing those activities. Nothing may be the most important thing you do all day.

• Kids Keep Asking and Asking and Asking... - I recently went to a presentation on butterflies. The local expert blew me away by how much he knew about species identification, diet, range, migration patterns, ecology, population threats, how to start a butterfly garden, etc. His knowledge was truly prodigious. I was taken aback by how easily he was stumped by the simplest of questions, though: why do butterfly wings have scales? I mean, the most obvious part of a butterfly is its wings and the most obvious part of their wings are the colored scales. So, why hadn't he thought of it? Well, I should be so hard on him. His interests were elsewhere. But, I did learn something that day from that question. Sometimes the best camouflage is obviousness. The most obvious place to look is often the last. One of the keys to exposing these cloaked blatants is to keep pushing the questions. Force yourself to question.  Don’t let it stop at the surface.  Keeping on pushing it and asking ‘why’ one more time and then one more time and then one more time...

This is my life's message. One of the major things that I want my life to represent right now is that it’s okay to question, to change your mind, to go a different direction, change your path. No, no, scratch that. It's essential to question. Questioning is a holy, sacred activity, integral to truly living, truly experiencing, truly seeing. We must not tell reality what she is, only listen by questioning.

Questions to Creationists

How do you win a debate?  Better question yet, how do you win a mind?  I.e. how do you not just win, but convince someone?  Debate is a two pronged spear.  You can't just show evidence.  You have to overcome objections.  You often have to break down a thick fortress of disinformation.  This is [unfortunately] especially true of the evolution and creation debate

So, is there a way to scale the walls and siege the city of creationism's bulwark?

Yes.

Get them out of objection mode and into question mode.  They *have* to be made to think and not just rebut. 

Only a well formed question can do this.

Think of times that someone has really turned your thinking around.  Has it ever been a silver bullet piece of evidence?  Maybe.  Far more likely than not in my mind, is that it was an unshakable question.  A haunting question.  A question that you couldn't run from.  A question that kept you awake at night wondering the answer to, internally wrestling with for hours.

My two questions I ask when debating hardcore creationists before I ever discuss evidences:

What would it take to convince you that evolution is true?  How much evidence?  What kind of evidence?  How would you know that it was valid?  Where would you find it? (Btw, I've had one creationist be honest with me when I asked this question and she said, "The Bible would have to say that it's true."  I then kindly dismissed myself from the conversation and said that she wasn't ready to discuss the matter.)

And

What would nature look like if evolution were true?  What would genetics look like?  What would the fossil record look like?  Geology?  Radiometric dating?  What would anatomy look like?  What would biogeography look like?  Ecology?  The tree of life?  Pathogens?  etc, etc.

Here's the scenario you create by doing that: they either set such a high criteria that they realize they aren't being rational or they set an achievable set of criteria that you then steam roll with thousands of pounds of evidence.  Either way is a battle won.  O, and by the way, if this seems arrogant, feel free to let them turn the tables.  From either direction we have the higher ground. 

The Infinite Horizon Principle - The Counterintuitivity of Answers

Answers should reduce questions, but answers only lead to more questions.  They aren't their terminus.  They are the beginning of new questions.  The more answers we get the more questions there are to be asked.  Answering begets asking.  They give us the vocabulary to ask more.

The more you learn the more you realize you don't know.

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. 

--Socrates

What an awesome principle of science!!